Tired? Weary? Pink Dandelions?!

I just wanted to share a private conversation I had with God back on Dec. 26th, 2009. It's an honest picture of how I was feeling that day - hiding nothing. The reason I am willing to share it with you today is because it was encouraging me even more today - and I thought that it might encourage you! I hope so! None of us are perfect - but God is - and I'm thankful that He will take all of me - and give me all of Him in return! :)

Take a refreshing sip today!

L :)

L – Happy Birthday Jesus (a day late)!! Ok . . . so I know it probably wasn’t the exact date. :) But I love celebrating your birthday. I just wish it wasn’t filled with so much busyness and stress as well. Of course – all birthdays do that to me – when I am planning a big celebration. It always turns out nice – but it stresses me out through it all. :( I hate that.

I am glad to finally be here at the beach house in NC – though I’m a bit overwhelmed with all the people, commotion, and stuff. I just want to get away – by myself – with you. I have felt trapped at home with kids, etc. for 3 months this fall (sick kids, and then a sick hubby – gallbladder surgery). I feel wiped out most of the time. I just want to sleep – but can’t really. I tried this afternoon – but couldn’t really sleep with the noises in the house (18 people!). Anyways . . . I won’t complain anymore. . . I know you like to hear my heart though.

I need you. That’s my heart. I NEED YOU!!! I don’t feel like myself lately. I’ve felt depressed – though I don’t have much to be depressed about. I don’t know if it’s just that my body is worn out from all I’ve been doing/taking care of . . . or if it’s from not getting to spend time with you like I would like.

I went to a friend's church a couple weeks ago. It was a blessing. 2 ladies after church prayed for me – and said some interesting things. One thing was such a confirmation of what you had just said to me recently – about having to let go of something. She used the word “abandonment” – that I would have to abandon something. But that it was “soooo good!” (she said with smiles) With you confirming that so soon – it makes me wonder if you will ask me to let go of something pretty soon. ?? I guess time will tell. Don’t let me miss it. :)

The other thing that was interesting was when they said that I would “find my rest in continuing to go forward” – that as I kept stepping forward, I would find my rest. That I didn’t “miss it” or mess things up this fall (as I had wanted to spend hours and hours in your word, with you, writing the book, etc – but instead have felt like I’ve just been taking care of sick kids, doing household chores – shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc). I feel so tired though – to keep going forward – to keep doing this. Something is just not right – something is “off” – and I don’t know what it is. :( I hate it. My husband senses it too. He keeps asking me “what’s wrong with you Lori?” And I don’t have any answers to give him. I don’t know. ?? I can only make guesses. So –I’ll ask you . . . what’s wrong with me?? Will you tell me? Why do I feel so depressed lately? Why do I feel so short-tempered, critical, etc? Is it just an attack? Are you working something out in me? Am I not eating right? Enough exercise? Too much? What?? I need you – and I need you to help me. I need you today. I especially don’t feel good today – kind of sick (sore throat, headache, sinus stuff, low fever,etc.). I don’t want to feel sick. I rebuke it!!!

So God . . . what do you want to say to me today? Come and be with me right now . . come sit and talk with me – comfort me – heal me – show me – guide me – love me. :) I’m here . . . wanting to be with you. I need you – so much. I can’t make it in life without you!

G – Hi Lori. :) You know I’ve always been here.

L – I know.

G – I never left. I’ve been walking with you every step.

L – I know. I know it in my head –and at times I could feel you near . . . I just am not feeling like the same woman I was a couple months ago – on fire, full of joy, passion, life, energy, etc.

G – I know. What happened?

L – That’s what I’m asking you! :)

G - :) I know. I’m teasing. I have watched it all Lori. I have seen it all. I have heard all your cries, your tears, your anger and frustrations. There ARE things that I want to work out of you. I do want you to see the need for more of me in your life – for more of my power, my transforming power and love. You cannot give away what you do not have. You need more. You need a lot more. And I want to give it to you. Do you want it?

L – of course . . yes.

G – But it comes with a price . . .

L – what kind of price.

G – A big one.

L – what?

G – all of you. You give me all of you – and I will give you all of me. Does it sound like a fair trade?

L – no. :) From YOUR perspective. :) You get all of me – my limitedness – and I get all of you – your unlimitedness – eternal – infinity . . . .

G – sound fair?

L - :) I’ll take it.

G – Good!

L – But what more do you need of me that you do not already have? I feel like I am always trying to give you more and more . . . all . . .of me. What haven’t I given over? What do you still want? It’s yours!

G - :) I’m glad you say that. I’ll take it! There is more though. You have areas of your heart that you have guarded. You have kept your hands over those sensitive areas to protect them. You haven’t trusted anyone with them – not even yourself, your husband, or even me. I want those areas Lori. I want all of them. Every speck, every part, every hurt, every thought, every memory . . . I want it all. You CAN trust me with them.

L – what areas are you talking about? See – I don’t even really know (I have felt so foggy-headed lately anyways – I’m not surprised). What areas? I want to give them to you. . . .

G – Close your eyes and watch what I show you.

L – Ok. . . . . I see you prying my hands away from my heart some – gently. You are pulling something out of the top of my heart. It looks like a dandelion seed – like when the seeds are ready to blow off the top – light and airy. But the whole stem is like a seed too. ?? what does that mean?

G – See how easy it will be? Just open your hands and let me take it out and blow it away. It’s dead – ready to be released into the wind. When it is – then it will spread far and wide –and cause new plantings – new growth – in places you haven’t even gone – places you haven’t even traveled to. My wind will carry it instead. All you have to do is let me take it out of you and blow it away. Are you ready?

L – but what is it? And if it’s something bad – why would you want to cause growth somewhere else with it?

G – it was bad when it was alive – but it’s dead now.

L – but, if it was bad when it was “alive” – wouldn’t it cause new bad things to grow?

G – no – not this seed. Watch.

L – I see it blowing away – in the wind – high and far . . . for quite awhile. I’m not sure where you are taking it or where it will land. But it’s floating – easily – gently – no struggles. It lands in a very green

grassy area – someone’s lawn. Someone who prides themselves in having a perfect lawn. This seed lands and digs into the ground and starts to germinate – to grow. It’s not detected at first . . . not until the seed had taken root and the plant has grown. There a flower to show that it’s there. It is “announcing” it’s there. “look at me” it says. “Look at me – I don’t belong here! Look at me!”. The owner of the house (someone rich – well to do – someone who doesn’t normally manage his yard –but has others to do it) – he comes out and sees this dandelion. It’s not supposed to be there. How did it get there? Where did it come from? He would call his lawn guy – but instead, he decides to go pick the dandelion himself. There is something about this weed –something about this flower that draws his attention. It’s different. He’s not used to seeing it. Maybe he hasn’t ever seen one. Maybe he doesn’t know what it is? ?? He is curious – so he goes to pick it out of his perfect yard. He picks it up and inspects it. “What is this?” he thinks. He decides to take it to an expert – to get their opinion. What is it? The expert doesn’t know. He’s never seen anything like it before. It’s pink!

Dandelions are supposed to be yellow. This one is pink! Why? Is it really a dandelion? This has caused so much interest, that the lawn owner, and the expert both start doing research, asking around – trying to figure out where this pink dandelion came from. They just HAVE to know! It’s so unique – so different – so . . . pretty even. But it just makes them curious at all costs.

They finally figure out the direction of the wind – estimate the distance it could have traveled. They start traveling the way they think it came from. They start to see more pink dandelions along the way. They ask around –where did those come from? People don’t know – but many don’t care. . . many didn’t even notice. There were so many weeds in their yards already – that they didn’t even notice. So the men continue – they find more and more – until they come to a yard that is FULL of pink dandelions. The whole yard! This must be it. This must be the source. They go to the house – to find out from the owner, where these came from? How did they get to be pink? What happened? And why did they let their yard become full of them? Weren’t they a weed??

The owner opens the door. It’s me. (?? Really??) I tell them. . . . these were planted by my Father. It was the red blood of Jesus that stained the dandelions pink. It covered all the yellow – all that symbolized “bad” (the weed) –and turned what was weeds, into beautiful pink flowers! The pink flowers were not bad. They were good. They still had a way of multiplying – and taking over a yard – of going far and wide and affecting others. But this wasn’t a bad thing. It was good. Beautiful. It was God’s design! It was His design to begin with! Light and airy – the good seed would travel . . . and plant new growth. Easy. Not difficult. Easy. The hard part was letting go of what we are used to – a perfect lawn of green grass. . . . . boring . . .the same as all other lawns. And so much work – to keep it perfect. This is easy. Just let them grow – let them overtake the lawn! Easy!

The man and the “expert” are amazed. They are shocked. They didn’t think anyone would ever purposely let their yard become like this. But at the same time – they are not disgusted – they are intrigued. They want to know more. They want to test this out. They want to see what happens – what happens “if” . . . . They ask if they can take some of the dandelions back to their yards – to their neighborhoods, their cities . . . I say yes! Go ahead! Take as much as you want! More will grow in it’s place! So they do. And they go on to spread more and more of these beautiful pink flowers. What started as curses – turned into blessings. What started as sin – turned into joy – into fresh vision – into beauty.

L – God I do want you to take every part of me – not matter how ugly it had started out as – and turn it into something beautiful – something that will self-propagate in other people’s lives – that will transform them completely!! For ALL to see!! I want my life (my lawn) to be totally different – totally unique – totally visible to all I meet – that I am in love with YOU – that I am filled with you – and your love! Transform me Lord – change me! Use me!

G – Lori. I am. You are unique. You are different. All my kids are – they just don’t always show it. They try to be carbon copies of each other. It breaks my heart. I spent time thinking about each and every one of my kids – designing them – their special talents and abilities, their special looks – and then what do they do? . . . try to copy each other. It makes me sad. I want them to be unique –to be special – as I designed them to be. The only way they will ever know how unique and special they are – is to try to copy me – to look at me. I am like a mirror. When they look at me – they will see themselves – just as I designed them to be. They will see all the good I have created in them. They will see all the talents and abilities I’ve placed in them. They will see all the things I want THEM to do . . . . But they have to look at me – not at each other. At me.

Lori – you have been looking at others too much. You do look at me – but you look at others who are looking at me. I want you to look at me. I want YOU to look at me. See me. See all of me. Emulate me. Look into the mirror and let me show you YOU – who you really are – who I’ve fully created you to be. Stop looking at others and look at me! It’s in doing that – that you will fully know who you are and what you are to do . . and then you can walk proudly and boldly in who I’ve created you to be and do!! You will be proud to be YOU – to be unique – to be and do what I’ve designed you to do. Who cares if no one else is doing it? Who cares if no one else thinks a yard full of pink dandelions is beautiful! Who cares? I’m the only one who should care – and my thoughts and opinions are the only ones you should care about. The others don’t matter. So look at me – listen to me – read my word – spend time with me . . . and ignore all the other stuff. It won’t tell you who you are – and it won’t tell you your worth. Only I can tell you your worth! And to me – you are worth millions!! Billions!! More than you can imagine! :)

L - :) I’m so glad! To me – YOU are worth EVERYTHING!! I can’t imagine living life without you! I can’t live life without you! I do want to know who I am – to know who you are – to be able to be fully free to be me – to be me with my family – with my friends – with my neighbors, etc. I want to be fully free. I want more freedom. I thought I was doing pretty good – feeling so much more free. But I guess there’s more. :) That’s good. I want more! I want to be rid of all my petty frustrations – my short-tempers at times, my selfishness, my criticalness, etc. I want to be rid of it all. Does it ever go away completely? . . . here on earth? :) I don’t want it anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Heal me. Cleanse me. Transform me. Use me. Renew me. Change me. I’m sorry. Thank you for forgiving and loving me completely!! You are awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!

Jeremiah 6:16 – “This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”

“ancient paths” – the tried and true ways of Judah’s godly ancestors.

Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Isaiah 28:12 - . . . “This is the resting place, let the weary rest”; and “this is the place of repose” . . .

Exodus 14:13&14 - “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (however, in the next sentence, the Lord said “why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.” (Moses then raised his staff and the red sea was parted!)

Lord. . . .I want your rest – your resting place. I want to dwell there. I want you to fight for me. I am willing to “walk in” the good way, the ancient paths – and I want the rest you promised!!! Thank you Lord for your rest – for your peace – for your joy! Thank you for fighting the fight for me! All the time! Everywhere! Thank you for loving me soooooo much! You are awesome!!! :)

Glass? . . . FAIL! Me? . . . PASS!

"You cannot always help what happens TO you, but you can help what happens IN you."

"The kingdom WITHIN you will become the kingdom AROUND you."

"You are not a product OF your environment, but you are a product of the WAY YOU RESPOND to your environment."

- Kris Vallotton

These were the words that I starred and underlined in my notes last night as we listened to Kris Vallotton speak about "The Process of Developing People". He had so many good things to say - about making mistakes/failing (not morally), understanding that when we work with people - it will be messy, how to develop the structures (prepare the "soil") within us so that our spirit will accept the teaching ("seed") God places in our life, and so much more.

In fact - he even said that in order to pass this class - we will have to FAIL 3 times! :) Yes - you heard me right. If I don't fail 3 times - then I fail the class. :) Why? Because if I fail 3 times (or more . . . and we're not talking moral failures here) - then I am taking risks . . . I am stepping out of my comfort zone to do what I've never done before - to reach for the impossible (or just the difficult) - to create an opportunity for God to show up with miracles, power, glory and love! :) Pretty cool, eh?

So - today - I give you permission to FAIL! :) Try it . . . it's not so bad. I'm still alive! And what's the worst thing that could happen . . . you might actually succeed! So you pray for a woman in a wheelchair and ask her to get up out of it . . . what's the worst that could happen? She might not be able to get up. That didn't change anything. She couldn't do that before. But what MIGHT happen . . . she just might get up and be healed!! :) Why aren't we risking that?!

So -if you see me fail along the way . . . be happy for me . . . and don't judge me for my mistakes. I'm willing to take risks to see what I've never seen before, to do what I've never done before, to go where I've never been before! Are you?

I heard another familiar saying this week - "If you want what you've never had, you will have to do what you've never done."

Are you willing to do that?

What do you want? (in life? to do? etc)

My son recently told me - "Edison didn't fail 1001 times when inventing the light bulb. His invention of the light bulb had 1001 steps!" :)

I started off this blog post with the quotes by Kris Vallotton. I didn't know they would be tested in my life so soon! After our meeting last night (and thankfully - after a good time of soaking in God's presence!) I went outside to get in my car. I was watching my surroundings instead of my car, and when I opened my door I was surprised to hear something falling out of my car - like chunks of ice . . . . . . But it was glass. My driver's side window had been smashed - pried into along the side of the window and busted - I'm assuming, to get in and steal things without making too much noise while cracking my window. I wasn't the only one. The Pastor's car had the same damage. The strange thing is, though . . . nothing was taken (not that I had anything to take . . . a couple car seats, Psalty's Family Chirstmas tape . . yes . . TAPE . . I don't even have a CD player let alone a GPS or anything worth value. I even have a VCR (yes - those are still around) in my van! Who would want that?! Had they fully looked at my van without 2 hubcaps, a scary spray paint job on the front hood, etc - I don' t think they would have bothered. I guess it all looks better at night!). It didn't even look like they had opened the door as a good amount of the glass had still been in the window. So, either they were scared off (good chance - because the fire dept sirens went off during our meeting), or they were just vandalizing our 2 cars (out of at least 10 cars) - but doing it quietly?? - and only doing the one window?? Who knows?? Who cares? Really. What's done is done.

The thing that amazed me though - was the peace in my spirit and the joy actually. We stood out side (for a looong time) waiting for the cops to come and fill out a report - and we laughed and joked about the situation - especially in light of what we just learned! ACTIVATION/ APPLICATION TIME! :) I think I passed this time!

I don't attribute the peace or joy to anything I could muster up . . . it was truly the "kingdom of God within" becoming the "kingdom of God around me". I had been resting in His peace and presence - accepting His peace and joy - and letting Him fill me up.

When you soak a sponge in lemon juice - what will you get if you squeeze it? Lemon juice. If you soak it in water . . . you will get water. Sometimes we have been soaking in lemon juice (the world), but have been trying to replace it with water (God's kingdom) - and it's coming out a watery lemon juice mix instead. That's ok! It's better than just the lemon! Keep soaking in the water, and eventually - it will be mostly or all water that comes out!! But sometimes we have been soaking in lemon juice but expecting water to come out. The sad thing that I see in the church and in so many people's lives (who say they are Christians) is that when times get tough (ie - squeezed) - it's not CHRIST who is being squeezed out of them. It looks more like the sour lemon juice! We are known by the "fruit" people see in our lives - not just in the good times - but in the bad as well (especially). We can't put on airs and pretend that "it is well with my soul" . . . it has to come from within. If you are not soaking in God's presence, the kingdom of God, etc - you can't expect it to come out of you in those hard times.

So . . . my challenge for you today is this:
1. FAIL! - Take risks in your relationship with God, in living out your Christianity, etc!
2. Soak in more of God today! Drink DEEP! Take in God's word - meditate on it - put on some praise music and sing (it's helps get rid of depression, anger, and more! "Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"! You have to PUT IT ON . . . that's an action . . it doesn't just "happen". It's a choice!), spend some time in prayer - just letting God/Daddy love on you. Listen to Him. Talk to Him. Love on Him. Accept His love. Stand on the TRUTH in God's word instead of the FACTS of your situation. Truth ALWAYS trumps facts!!

Drink Deep and let that water flow out of you in the hard times!

L :)
ps - Update - I just had to share this with you . . .
Ok . . . I just finished thoroughly cleaning out my van (glass, dirt and cookies crumbs!) - and I found out that something WAS stolen (unless the guy from church removed it when cleaning my car out).

I had to laugh out loud! Under my front seat I always keep my bright blue and black reusable Walmart bags. I have them all inside one of the bags. I had just gone to the store that morning, and had stuffed them back under the seat that afternoon.

So - some thief got a disappointing surprise when he grabbed that bag and ran - thinking he probably had my GPS or something good . . . only to find that all he really had was 6 more Walmart bags! Well - now he has something to put his loot in that he steals! :)

Just had to share!
Lori :)

What are you feeding?

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

"A fight is going on inside of me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is guilt, rensentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson though about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

- American Indian Proverb


Which one are YOU feeding today?

Drink Deep!
L :)

Tough times? Need a Sure Foundation - A Fortress?

<sup>I felt like the Lord wanted me to pass on some of His words to you today. Let Him reveal the deeper things to you - the deeper love to your heart - the deeper revelations to your mind. Sit with Him and ask Him about these words today. He has alot to say - and He loves sharing it with you!

Isaiah 33
2</sup> O LORD, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.

⁶ He will be the sure foundation for your times,
a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure.


¹⁵ He who walks righteously
and speaks what is right,
who rejects gain from extortion
and keeps his hand from accepting bribes,
who stops his ears against plots of murder
and shuts his eyes against contemplating evil-

¹⁶ this is the man who will dwell on the heights,
whose refuge will be the mountain fortress.
His bread will be supplied,
and water will not fail him.

¹⁷ Your eyes will see the king in his beauty and view a land that stretches afar.

Be encouraged in these challenging times (financially, relationally, spiritually, etc) - whether you are a mom with young kids struggling to just get through each day; a working man with mouths to feed at home and demands on you at work; a person who just lost their job and doesn't know how they are going to "make it"; etc. God wants to be your "sure foundation" in these times - and wants to take you to the heights - to live in the fortress He has designed just for you!

Be encouraged! Walk righteously. Fear the Lord. He will show you the way!

Dive deeper today!

Lori :)

Jesus loves me this I know . . .

We ALL know the children's song "Jesus loves me"! We probably can't even count the number of times we have sung that song throughout our lifetime . . . 100 times? 200? 1000? More?

Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes . . . Jesus loves me.
Yes . . . Jesus loves me.
Yes . . . Jesus loves me.
The Bible tells me so.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my sisters recently. She has been struggling with severe anxiety and depression for several months now, but the Lord has been graciously healing her and is slowly bringing her out of the deepest valley she has ever experienced. She is a woman of the Word - knowing more scripture than I do or could hope to! She has always loved digging into the Word of God and getting to know what it really says and means. Part of her healing process (and just surviving some of this valley) was quoting scriptures every day . . . many times a day . . . that pertained to what she was dealing with. She came to a point where she truly understood the meaning of what Jesus said - "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God" (Matt. 4:4).

But even though this has been a great source of strength in the past - she came to a point where she just wasn't "feeling" the same relief, peace and comfort that she used to when meditating on and quoting scripture. She wasn't "feeling" the love of God - that Jesus loved her. What happened to the "feelings" that had been associated with these and other scriptures in the past? Why wasn't she "feeling" better. Why weren't the scriptures "working" anymore?

We are "feeling" beings. God beautifully and creatively designed us to be like Him - full of feelings - through our emotions, thoughts, senses and more. These feelings are a blessing and a gift! They allow us to be passionate about things - people, hobbies, friends, spouses, animals, places, etc. They allow us to connect relationally with people - and with God - to be empathetic, to laugh together, cry together, get mad at injustice. However, we can also struggle with this blessing - this part of our created makeup. It can put us into the deepest of depression, the most bitter taste of anger and resentment, the painful place of being unjustly wounded.

So what do we do? . . . . Just stop feeling? Try to control it? How do we keep our feelings in check . . . balanced? Why wasn't my sister able to "feel" better when quoting the scriptures? Doesn't the Word of God have power?

Here's what I am learning (and yes - I am still on this journey too!). This is why I love that children's song we all know by heart.

We were created with body, soul and spirit. These are not separate parts - but are intertwined, overlapping with each other.

Our body encompasses all our physical characteristics - how we look, walk, our hormones, senses, etc. This part is easy for us to see and understand - right? (well - maybe not all of it is easy to understand! :) . . . PMS anyone?!)

Our soul is our mind, will and emotions - the thoughts we think, the internal feelings we feel, the decisions we make. If we are living by our soul - we are living by our emotions (as they go up, down and all around!)

Most of the world lives by/out of their soul. Our society is definitely soul-based. Commercials, advertisements, restaurants, politicians and more - all try to reach us on our soul level ("Buy this - it will make you happy. You need this to make you feel good. Go here . . . do this . . vote for me because . . . You can have it your way - right away - now!" etc). Our society is set up to meet our need to "feel" good . . . to help us get addicted to things that will only temporarily help us feel good. They are VERY good at knowing how to do this and wooing us into their traps. So is Satan! :)

Am I saying that we can't ever do anything that makes us feel good? NO! By no means. Let me continue . . .

The 3rd part of our makeup is our spirit. This is one of the most neglected and misunderstood aspects of our lives. This is why so many of us struggle, day in and day out, with living a peaceful, joyful, balanced life. We have been trying so hard to live just out of our body and soul, and occasionally out of our spirit. We take great care to feed our body and soul (Yes - you are feeding your soul more than you realize!) - but do we do the same with our spirit?

Our spirit is the part of us that, as a Christian, has been redeemed! When you accepted Christ into your life - accepted that free gift of salvation - your spirit was saved and redeemed! It was made pure and righteous before the Father because of what Jesus did for you! Praise the Lord for that!

Many people tell of miraculous transformations right then and there - they were set free from smoking, drugs, addictions, emotions - all sorts of soul-issues. But for many of us - that didn't happen. For many (if not most) people in the church, we have still continued to struggle with our feelings, emotions, addictions, sins, etc. Why? Because our soul was not redeemed - it was our spirit. Our soul still likes many of those things. Our soul still leans towards temptations. Our soul still has issues with emotions, thoughts, feelings, past wounds and experiences. Our soul is also never satisfied. It can be demanding, pushy, bossy, easily hurt or offended and more. It is the voice we hear in our head - loud and clear when we are faced with decisions on a daily basis. It is very self-centered! Many of us are still trying to live out of our soul. So where is our redeemed spirit in all this?

Our spirit is very different from our soul. It is gentle, tender, quiet. It doesn't demand things of us. It is not self-centered or self-demanding like our soul. It doesn't get hurt as easily. It is God-focused and is all about pleasing God! It is our spirit that connects with the Holy Spirit - that helps us to live with the fruit of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It is living by our spirit that can help us have the kind of life we desire - a satisfying life - filled with decisions, actions and feelings that please God - and living in the love of God (our wonderful heavenly Daddy).

Romans 8:5&6 says - "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace"

So how do we live by the Spirit (and from our spirit)? It's a decision . . . it's an awareness. We have to have our "minds set on what the Spirit desires" and let our mind be "controlled by the Spirit" to truly have life and peace. It is a decision. It's not a feeling.

Too many people are trying to live their lives based on their feelings. We need to change the way we think and start living our lives based on a decision to live by our spirit - to connect with the Holy Spirit (who was sent here to HELP US!). How do we do this?

It's a decision. Will you CHOOSE to have an awareness of God standing right beside you all day long? Will you CHOOSE to live your life to please God and make HIM happy - or to please yourself (your spouse, your boss, your friends) happy? Will you CHOOSE to filter all your decisions in life based on that premise - that decision?

It won't be easy in the beginning - especially if you are used to living by your feelings of the day, of the moment. But it can be done. And just like any other habit we have - with time and consistency - it does get easier! :) It's also alot easier if you are feeding your spirit - "soaking" it (like a sponge) daily (possibly several times a day or throughout the whole day) with the Word of God, worship, and more!

So what does this have to do with "Jesus loves me" you are still asking?

Jesus loves me this I KNOW (not FEEL)
For the BIBLE TELLS me SO (not because I FEEL it).
Little ones to Him belong. (That's US!)
They (we) are WEAK, but HE is STRONG! (Praise the Lord!)

Yes . . . Jesus loves me! (Not because I feel it . . .)
Yes . . . Jesus loves me!
Yes . . . Jesus loves me!
The BIBLE TELLS me SO! (. . . but because it's TRUE and I CHOOSE to believe it!)

So - my challenge to you today is . . .

Live by the Spirit! Allow your spirit - your gentle, quiet, tender spirit to connect with the Holy Spirit today - and then LISTEN to it! Tell your soul to fall in line with your spirit! :) Let's be a people who are spirit-led instead of soul-led. Let's grasp hold of the truth that Jesus really did die for us to have an ABUNDANT LIFE - full of peace! Let's make a DECISION to honor what Jesus did by CHOOSING to do and believe what He said in God's Word! Let's choose to feed our spirit each and every day . . . all throughout the day!

And it's not based on feelings . . . but on choosing to believe and walk it out.

You can do it! It's an awesome adventure and journey to begin and live! Let me know how it's going for you, and let's keep encouraging each other to live by the Spirit instead of our souls!

And don't forget to have FUN doing it! :) (Trust me - there are AWESOME "feelings" and emotions to experience while living in/by the Spirit!)

As for my sister and why the scriptures didn't seem to be "working" at that time . . . she realized that God was starting to teach her this wonderful principle . . . to base her decisions on the TRUTH of the Word of God . . . not on her "feelings" associated with the Word of God! God is so good! :)

Choose to go deeper today!
Change the way you've been "swimming"!

Lori :)

Fresh Produce . . . Now Open!

As I drove home a few days ago, I passed by a sign I’ve driven past hundreds of times before. It sits outside a scarcely frequented family owned produce shack near our house. I used to marvel at the consistency, dependability and patience of the older gentleman that would sit in his lawn chair day after day, all day long – just waiting for the few customers that would occasionally stop by to purchase some of his harvest. As I rushed about this city, dragging kids from school to events, sports practice and music lessons, and lugging pound upon pound of groceries home each week, I would drive by that fruit and vege stand and enviously wonder if I would ever have time to sit and relax like that sweet old man. I was also a bit curious . . . was it really worth it, profitable I mean, to sit outside in the heat and humidity, day after day, for hours on end? It didn’t seem like the best use of time, or the most profitable thing this gentleman could have done with the remaining hours he had in his life. Surely there was some other way he could make money or use his time more efficiently.

But the other day, as I drove by this familiar spot, I felt a nudge to do a double take and really read the sign. “Fresh Produce . . . Now Open”. This past year, or maybe a bit longer, the older gentleman hasn’t been outside. In fact, there hasn’t even been any produce at the stand. I’ve been curious as to what happened. Did he realize that it wasn’t worth his time and money? Or did something happen to that persistent elderly gentleman? Was it that hardly anyone was stopping by anymore – not needing or wanting some delicious homegrown organic fruits and vegetables? (I know I just picked mine up at the grocery store as that was easier and more convenient.) And yet, the sign still stood, announcing they had “Fresh Produce”.

As I looked at the sign with fresh eyes that day, I felt Holy Spirit gently saying to me – “Fresh Produce . . . Now Open”. I could feel Him wooing me – reminding me that, like the steady, unwavering older gentleman, He was still waiting – day after day, all hours of the day and night, for me to come and visit – to stop by for some produce. But not just to get the produce, but to take time to sit and relax, to chat about the day, about my life, my feelings, and to find out more about Him. Unlike the sweet old man, He would never leave His post at this “produce stand”. He is always there . . . here . . . waiting. And He will always have an infinite supply of produce . . . Fruit to be specific.

I love the “fruit” that Holy Spirit has to offer me. . . .that He has to offer you . . .to everyone! Love . . . Joy . . . Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and yes . . . Self-Control. Don’t those all sound heavenly?! Don’t you just crave to take home a bundle of Love? How about a bushel of Peace? An overflowing basketful of Joy? I can just smell their sweet aroma and taste their delectable wholesomeness right now! I know we have all asked for Patience, Peace and Joy in our lives from time to time, but what about the last one . . . Self-Control? Do many people want that one or look over it with envious, craving eyes as they do with some of the other fruits? It just doesn’t sound as sweet and juicy and wonderful as the other fruits. But let me tell you – it really is!

Each and every one of these nine heaven-grown fruits is a “must have”, and Self-Control is no exception. They are all a part of God’s divine plan, purposes and promises to create healthy, whole and loving relationships. And that’s what God is all about . . . Relationship! All nine of them are needed in our relationships with our kids, our spouses, family members, friends, neighbors, at our jobs and even with the grumpy woman at the grocery store. We know we need these fruits, but keeping them in “our house” seems tricky. I know I keep running out of Patience (sometimes on a daily basis) . . . and Joy can be fleeting (especially depending on what time of the month it is!). So, how can I keep my “house” filled up with this satisfying and healthy fruit each and every day?

Galatians 5:22-25 says “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

“Fresh Produce . . . Now Open” the sign still reads. Are you willing to stop by? Are there some fruits you need in your life? What you may not see is the “Vacancy” sign next to the other sign. Yes – the Lord is calling you, offering you a place to reside – a chance to “live BY the Spirit”. He doesn’t just want you to stop by – He wants you to live here – right beside Him – each and every day. Can you see how beneficial it would be – to be able to keep your supply of fresh fruit at your house full to capacity – each and every day - because you live RIGHT BY the fruit stand?! He doesn’t want us to just live there though – He wants us to sit and chat, walk and talk, “keep in step” with Him – every day. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to move in next door? Or are you still only comfortable with just stopping by when you have a free moment? Are you willing to spend time with Him daily – keeping “in step with the Spirit”?

The Holy Spirit is waiting. He has plenty of produce for everyone! But not everyone is going to stop by. It breaks my heart – just as it broke my heart to see that old man sitting in his chair . . . day after day . . . hour after hour . . . waiting patiently for someone to stop by and enjoy the delicious food he had tenderly and loving planted, grown, and harvested just for them. Even if people do stop by – many will not stay . . . many will not move in next door and spend time with Holy Spirit. That puts another ache in my heart as well. There is so much more to this life – so much more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control to fill our lives and enjoy . . . if only we will reside/live “by the spirit” and “keep in step” with Him. Are you up to it?

This Gentleman will be at his “stand” waiting . . . . . And yes . . . He does think this is the most profitable thing He could ever do! Even if only one person decided to come by . . . it would be worth it!! So on He waits . . . .

. . . .for you!

I hope you can stop by!

Taste and enjoy the Fruit!
- Lori :)

Intimate Friendship with God

I just found a book review I did when I was in YWAM (Youth With a Mission) doing a DTS (Discipleship Training School) when I was 19 years old - in Lausanne, Switzerland. The book was "Intimate Friendship with God" by Joy Dawson. This was written at a time in my life when God was rescuing me (from myself and my self-destruction) and changing me - breaking me, shaping me, molding me into something more beautiful! I thought I would share it with you to encourage you to read this book for yourself (and I may just have to dig out my copy of Joy's book and reread it).

Take a drink from the deep today!

Lori :)

Intimate Friendship with God

by Joy Dawson

Jan. 1990 DTS

Out of the 16 chapters in this book, there were many chapters that really spoke to me. However, I will focus on only five chapters or areas for this report. "The most exciting relationship of our lives" will be "Intimate Friendship with God", and that's what I want!

Chapter 1 deals with the Fear of the Lord and what it is. As Joy Dawson says, "It's the most fool-proof thing in the world in relation to sinning". But what exactly is the fear of the Lord? In Proverbs 8:13 it says, "The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil." This means that at all times we must have God's attitude toward sin. In Malachi 2:5, God says, "My covenant with him was a covenant of life and peace, and I gave them to him, that he might fear; and he feared me, he stood in awe of my name." The Lord is anything and everything I could ever want, need, or desire and beyond. So we need to "consider with awe and wonder, the limitless power and supreme authority of one who, by His spoken words alone, has brought the universe into being". I need to have a deep respect for, and understanding of, the holiness of God, the power of God, and the total sufficiency of God to meet man's need. I need to obey God because of what He says, but more importantly I need to obey Him for who He is.

Chapter 5, on the different levels in our attitude toward sin, really shocked me in a way. First of all, I didn't know that there were four levels of attitudes toward sin. "Level one . . . The person who does not sin because the consequences are too great. There is no hatred of evil and, therefore, no fear of the Lord. Level two . . . The person who lives by the Golden Rule. Level three . . . The sincere Christian who earnestly desires to please the Lord Jesus Christ. He is deeply concerned and longs for freedom. Level four . . . The person who has the fear of God upon Him." When reading this I realized I am sometimes on the first level, second level, or third level, but rarely on the fourth level. Like Joy says, "we have sinned because we have chosen to sin, because we love sin." That is so true, especially in my life. James 1:14-15 shows the truth about sin: "But each person in tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it is full grown brings forth death." I agree with Joy when she says that "sin not only hinders our closeness to God, but it is also destructive. Therefore, we do ourselves the greatest favor by avoiding it or getting rid of it."

One big problem that I struggle with is my thought life. So when Joy talks about our thought lives in Chapter 7, I read it closely. "All sin starts in the mind, therefore, we are only as holy as our thought lives are holy". Just as Proverbs 23:7 says, "for as he thinketh in his heart so is he. . . " I need to not only repent and ask forvieness for my words and actions, but also for my thoughts. I knew I had to do that, but I didn't think my thoughts were that bad if I didn't carry them out. How wrong I was! I really struggle with my thought life, but I will find that there is no attraction to a certain temptation to the degree I ask for the fear of God and receive it by faith. I should also try to replace evil thoughts with good ones. Like Philippians 4:8 says, "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." So my greatest need is for the fear of God to be upon my thought life where all sin starts.

Relationships are very timportant to me, and a lot of time I struggle with some of them in different ways. Chapter 8 - Relationships: Holy or Unholy - really spoke to me. It gave me courage and hope to know that I can have a pure and holy relationship with someone - that it is actually possilbe. Joy says, "The fear of the Lord is the answer to all problems connected with relationships - whether with the opposite sex or with the same sex." God can totally fulfill any human being, but no human being will ever totally fulfill me. Joy also talks about love and holiness being linked together throughout the Bible. "Holiness in thought, word, and deed releases us to be loving and tender in our relationships without a particle of lust." That is so encouraging to me. It means that I don't have to be afriad if I love someone deeply, as long as the relationship can stand "the test of the bright, white light of the Holy Spirit's standard of purity in thought, word and deed". As Joy says, "The devil has convinced millions of people [including me] of the lie that a little or a lot of sin makes any relationship more exciting." I have fallen into that trap and lie so many times. Praise God though, because the Lord's been very merciful. However, Nubers 32:23 says, "Be sure your sin will find you out." "Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hiden that will not be known, Whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops." (Luke 12:2-3). I know my sins will be made known, as some already have been. But I've been forgiven, and the Lord is doing a wonderful job at repairing some relationships of mine.

The last chapter I will talk about is Chapter 13 - Idolatry and the Fear of the Lord. This chapter showed me that I have the fear of God upon me only in proportion to my freedom from idolatry. "An idol is something or someone that takes a priority place in our lives over the Lord Jesus Christ in our thinking, in our time, in our affection, in our loyalty, and in our obedience." I didn't really realize that I did have some idols in my life and that I was breaking the first commandment by putting these "gods" before Christ. "God is concerned about the heart being distant, cold, and estranged toward Him because other things had taken His place". As Joy says, "I dolatry is a symptom of 'heart trouble'." I found I need to clean out my heart from the idols I have so I can follow Matthew 22:37 which states, "You shall love the Lord your God wil all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." God created us for friendship with Himself, but because of idolatry and other things, we give Him relatively little time for intimacy. If we decide to put God first above everything else and spend time with Him, He will reward us and do things for us. Plus, it's always in a way that is far beyond anything we could plan. So, if I name my idols before God and repent of them by a change of mind, heart, and life, God does His part to deliver me and set me free! Praise the Lord!

There were so many things in this book that spoke to me and that I could realte to. It's an excellent book and I wish I had read it sooner. I realize now that I need to clean up some things in my life and I really want and need the fear of the Lord in my life!

Examples of Application

I'm sure that there are many examples of how I could apply this material to my life. However, I will spare you many hours of monotonous reading by limiting my examples to two. :)

When Joy talked about the different attitudes toward sin, I realized that my attitude isn't where it should be. I'm usually on level three, but I need to be on level four. I need to have the fear of the Lord in me. This means I need to hate sin the way God deoes. I also need to respect and honor God because of who He is. He created everything around us, including us, and He died for us. The least we can do is to obey Him, not because of what He says, but because of who He is! I'm going to try and be obedient to Him, to view sin like He does, and to praise and honor Him above everything. I want Him to give me His attitude toward sin and I want to grow closer to Him.

In accordance with having the fear of the Lord and being obedient to Him, I want to get rid of the idols in my life and I want to love God more than anything on this earth. I realize now how many idols or "gods" I have put before my Lord Jesus Christ. I don't want to do that any more. I want to spend time with the Lord, get to know Him, become very intimate with Him, and just have the best relationship I've ever had! God is the only thing I really need in my life, and until I'm staisfied with that, nothing else will totally satisfy me. No one on this earth or anything can fulfill me, but my God in heaven can!

Perfection

I wanted to post my own personal testimony that I shared with my local MOPS group a few weeks ago.

Sometimes you come across blogs or websites that you like - but wonder - who is this person writing all this really?

Well - there's no secrets here! Satan likes to keep us in bondage through our secrets - and I, for one, am fed up with it! I am loving the freedom that Christ died on the cross to give me -and I want more of it! I know that God LOVES to take what the enemy meant for evil, and use it for good - to change lives, to set people free, to minister to our broken hearts,and more!

You've got to read my other post called "Redesigning your Shackles and Chains"! You will see your past and the chains that have held you captive in a new light! You'll be ready to fight for your freedom and live in it!!

Drink a little deeper today!

L :)

May 20th, 2009 – MOPS Tea and Testimony day

Some of you have known me for years, and others of you I’ve just met. Either way – I have some questions for you. What do you see when you look at me? What kind of person do you think I am? Shy or Outgoing? Introverted or Extroverted? Fearful and a worrier, or a strong woman of faith? . . . . What characteristics or adjectives would you use to describe me – right now – as I am now?

I have to be honest with you and tell you . . . I don’t have it all together and I’m not perfect! :) I know . . . I know . . . I’m sorry to let you down. :)

I have to be honest about something else too. I know that none of you are perfect either. :)

I’ve never been perfect. Shocking, I know. :) (well – my mom and dad might have thought I was perfect when I was born . . . till I kept them up all night crying and pooping and wanting to eat!)

Actually, while we are alive on this earth – you and I will never be perfect! So why do we strive so hard to try and attain it? Why be a perfectionist? It’s unattainable. . . . at least while we are alive. As Christians, when we finally say goodbye to this earth and our mortal bodies, we will finally attain the perfection that is promised to us. But not until then.

However, that doesn’t mean we have the freedom to just do what we want and live haphazardly – throwing caution to the wind and living in sin (because “what’s the use in trying?” if we can’t attain it?). No. Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 13:11 –“... Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”

But it’s not by our might that we will attain perfection. It’s only through the Perfect One – Jesus – and the grace and mercy He gives that we will ever be made perfect.

I know that many of you, like myself, have struggled with this lack of perfection in your life – not sure if you are doing everything right as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, sister, daughter, etc. You have issues from your past that have repeatedly whispered to you – reminding you of your imperfection and your inability to attain that perfection. “You’ll never be good enough. Look at what you’ve done. You’ll never be as good as her. . . .” We constantly compare ourselves to others – thinking that they are much closer to that perfection that we are striving for.

But let me clue you in on another secret. . . .

Most of the people we look at and think “man – they’ve got it all together. They never had an issue in their life. I wish my life was like theirs” . . . many of them are where they are in life BECAUSE of the issues and trials they have gone through and the imperfections they have worked through in their lives.

James 1:2-4 are some of my favorite verses (in fact – I love the whole book of James!). . . . ones that we all need to not just read – but really live by – to believe and put into practice (as James even talks about later in his book).

“Consider it torture my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds? (whine and complain when it gets rough?”) Is that what it says? No . . . It says – “Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, NOT lacking anything.”

Verses 5 - 8 go on to say –
“If any of you lacks wisdom (ME!), he should ask God, who gives generously to (Just me? . . . . No . . to ) ALL without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”

I started off telling you all this today because - I am who I am today because of the trials I’ve been through (not necessarily the easy times in life). I am who I am today because of the temptations I gave into and the victories the Lord gave me over those sins. I am who I am today because not only did Jesus save me – but I decided to take hold of what God promises me in the Bible – and to put it into practice! These aren’t just words to tickle our ears – but they are life-giving, transforming power to mold and shape us into the strong, Godly women, mothers, friends, sisters, and children that God wants us to be!

I grew up in a Christian home as a Pastor’s kid – the oldest of 4 kids. For most of my early years of life I was very sheltered and protected – living in a small town (less than 1900 people!) in Minnesota for 7 years, and then 2 years in Florida – where I attended a Christian school. We moved here when I was 15 and I was so naïve and shy. I had always been shy and unsure of myself. I even wrote a song once about knowing everyone by their feet – because I really did. My head was always down – sometimes looking for “treasures” (money, rocks, etc) – but in school – it was because I was shy. My parents were very loving and would “force” me to do things that they knew I would enjoy, even though I was deathly afraid (like going to camp where I didn’t know anyone, etc). I was so thankful they did that for me (and that God still does that to me!)!

I was afraid to speak my mind – even when it came to what I wanted for Christmas, sometimes. I was always second guessing myself – telling myself that it was too selfish to ask for certain things (because it would cost too much . . . we had 4 kids in the family, etc). But then I would get my feelings hurt when I saw my sister getting everything she asked for because she wasn’t afraid to ask. I was afraid that my opinion was stupid or didn’t really matter, afraid that people would laugh or make fun of me, etc. I was (and still am) very mercy-oriented, and always seemed to latch onto the underdogs, the hurting and the needy. I felt people’s pain, and took it on as my own. I was a very sensitive child and was hurt and disappointed easily and had some relationship issues with my dad that definitely affected me.

When we moved here, I went to public school. It was a shock to me and everything I had been used to coming from a Christian school. There were 2000 people in my Jr. High (more that my whole town in MN)! I wasn’t used to the cussing, the rudeness, the lack of love, the drugs and drinking, etc. However, I still had a heart for these hurting kids. One morning while waiting at the bus stop, a girl was telling me her problems with her boyfriend. My heart went out to her, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t really understand it all, and that broke my heart. I didn’t know how to help her. I got on the bus and looked out the window while I prayed “Lord – I really want to help these people – but I just don’t relate to them. I don’t understand what they are going through. Please help me to understand.”

That’s not the kind of prayer you want to pray casually! It’s kind of like praying for patience! It’s not just given to you!

From that day on – things changed. My life didn’t fall apart overnight, and I know the Lord didn’t make things happen or cause me to sin or fall into temptations. They were all my own choices. But through a series of experiences and situations – I definitely got “real life” training on how to relate to these kids in the world around me.

I spent a good portion of my 10th grade year very depressed and suicidal. Over the next couple years, I got somewhat involved in drinking and tried smoking for awhile (but decided, out of vanity – to quit because I didn’t want to ruin my “beautiful singing voice”! J). I did manage to stay away from drugs (mainly because of this one kid that always called me when he was high and telling me “man Lori – you’re so lucky . . .you have a dad who loves you!”. He just always sounded stupid on the phone and I, again out of vanity, (God will use anything!) didn’t want to kill my smart brain cells! . . . though – somehow that thinking didn’t translate over into drinking and other destructive behaviors too. Hmmm . . ).

I slowly continued down a path of discovery and self-destructive behaviors. This path wasn’t fueled by rebellion as much as it was really just a young, insecure girl looking for love and acceptance and willing to try new things. Yes, rebellion was there, but I just really wanted to feel loved and accepted more than anything (don’t we all?!). Shortly after high school, my boyfriend and I broke up for the last time. We had dated off and on for 4 years – he was my first real love, and we thought we would marry one day. That wasn’t the case. The relationship was over – but there never was really any closure to it. Because of where I was at in my life at that time (spiritually & emotionally - living a rebellious life and feeling unloved) – it just did me in and I totally gave up on life. I didn’t care what happened to me, to my body, to my life – everything. I was very good at lying (to the point I actually didn’t think there was anything wrong with what I was saying and I think I lied more than told the truth) – thus I lived a double life – a good little pastor’s kid in front of my parents and the church, but a different person internally, at work and around my “friends”. The lies and double life were killing me. Mentally I was a sliver away from heading down the path of alcoholism, and I had come to a place where I understood how someone ends up as a prostitute or living a very promiscuous life. I had so much self-hatred, low self-esteem, low self-worth, and lack of hope in my life, that I really didn’t care what happened to me, what someone did to me, and I just wanted to drown my misery away.

But . . . Even though I didn’t care . . . God did care! And He had a plan! Amazingly, He was still watching over me and had His hand on me.

Even though I was living a rebellious life, God still, somehow managed to convince me (more like – bombarded me with people all telling me the same thing!) to sign up to go to YWAM (Youth with a Mission) and do a 6 month DTS (Discipleship Training school) in Lausanne, Switzerland. Actually – I was just looking forward to escaping all my problems here and going to Europe and finding some great places to party and meet some cute boys! J That was MY plan. But . . . God had other plans!

When I was 18 and at the bottom of the pit – sliding towards what felt like Hell – I went to work one day. A quiet chef at the restaurant where I worked said hi and asked me how I was doing. I barely looked at him and said “You don’t want to know”. He continued talking to me and said “I do know Lori” and then he proceeded to tell me everything that I was struggling with and involved with that I didn’t think anyone knew about (including my involvement with a married man at that time). He then said something that opened my eyes and gave me hope – “Lori, the Lord must have some awesome plans for your life if the devil is working so hard to mess it up!” And that was all he said.

I walked away stunned. I couldn’t believe it. It was an epiphany to me. What? This wasn’t all my fault? I wasn’t so bad and such a total loser after all? I wasn’t too damaged beyond repair? Maybe God really does have something good for me. Maybe. . . . But . . . I was still just going to Europe to party. I’m not so sure about all this God stuff and living with a bunch of Christians – especially in an intense Christian “greenhouse” environment. We’ll see.

So, I left for Switzerland around Jan 1st or 2nd, 1990. But within 2 weeks - By Jan 16th – God had gotten hold of me! I was filled with the Holy Spirit and set free from so many things! I was happy, alive, free, and drunk in the love of the Lord! (and waking up happy without a hangover too!) I was a totally different girl! Many of my parent’s prayers were answered! I attribute much of my short stint in that pit of Hell to the prayers of my parents constantly being ushered up for me during my whole life! I know that is one of the main reasons I didn’t slide further down and away – and why I am still alive today! (So moms – PRAY for your kids!! It’s fighting battles in the spiritual world that we may never know about or see!)

At the end of my DTS, most everyone agreed that I had the most dramatic change in the first month from when I came. God literally saved my life – not just spiritually – but physically, mentally, emotionally, and in all ways!

That doesn’t mean I went on to live a perfect life. Not by any means. I still struggled with many of the same issues when I came back from YWAM (and even on my DTS some) – but God was and is still refining me – every day – every month – every year. I kept (and keep) holding onto the verses in Jeremiah 29:11-14a – “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.”

Isn’t that an awesome promise?!

In YWAM, on a walk in the woods one day, God asked me, “What do you want Lori? You can have anything.” Of course – money always pops into my head. (I did always like money!) But - We had just had a wonderful woman speaker – Reona Joli – talk about her amazing adventures in faith – and I was so impressed by her strong faith – her unwavering faith – no fear – total reliance and dependence on God and His promises to her – even in the midst of danger! THAT’S what I wanted. I was tired of being so shy and unsure of myself. I was tired of not being able to fully speak my mind. I was tired of worrying about things. I wanted to be like that woman – a woman of faith. So that’s what I asked for.

And that’s what I got! J Again – watch out what you ask for! It didn’t happen overnight – but it’s been a process – a developing of perseverance – so that I may “be mature and complete – not lacking anything” as James says. I’ll be in this process my whole life. But the peace that has come, over the years, as I have trusted in the Lord and His words and promises to me – is something I would never want to lose! I can’t imagine living life without that peace! It didn’t come easy. I had many experiences that have truly tested my faith. But by “choosing” to believe in God (and not myself, my husband, my job, my circumstances, or even my feelings) – and allowing God the opportunity to “come through” and hold up His end of the deal – my faith has grown tremendously.

The last few years it seems like He’s been doing so much more in and through me– and I’ve been learning and grasping more and more of Him every day. I think I was too complacent for many years when I came back from YWAM. I kind of pulled back from God for a couple reasons – One was - that I didn’t know how to live in this world with the same passion and giftings that I had in YWAM in the midst of all the struggles and temptations here. And the secondly – I thought God was mad at me and couldn’t use me anymore (or for quite awhile) for some things I had done. I thought I had let Him down and wasn’t worthy anymore. But I’ve been learning over the last 8 years that that’s not true at all. God LOVES to use the unworthy! Look at who He used in the Bible – David (and adulterer and murderer – but he was “a man after God’s heart”), a donkey (how worthy is a donkey?), Paul (who was Saul and persecuted Christians), Moses (who was unsure about his speaking abilities and was a murderer), etc.

I am totally enjoying the journey God has me on now and I’m looking forward to what God has for me in the future with great anticipation and excitement!

So – this strong, woman of faith that you see today (or the bundle of mess you may see too) – is who I am . . . because of what I’ve been through, what God has done (and is still doing) in me, and what I have chosen to grasp hold of (and to ask for) and then put into practice!

I don’t even recognize the person I was in high school and college. I don’t even recognize the person I was 5-10 years ago. And I hope that in 5-10 years, I still don’t want to recognize this person now!

If you asked me what verse represents my life – where I came from and where I am now – it is Psalm 40:1-3
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”

Isn’t that awesome? He can take you and me out of the pit – clean us off and put us on a solid place to stand. And because of it all . . . others will “see . . . and put their trust in the Lord.” It’s by seeing where we have come from and what He has done - that they are led to Christ! How awesome is that?! God can use our JUNK for His glory and to bring others to salvation!

I love the Lord with all that is in me, because He saved me from all that was in me! I love much because I have been forgiven much. And I am continually being forgiven much!
I am not perfect. I know you are not perfect. God knows we are not perfect. And the enemy knows we are not perfect – yet he likes to try and rub it in our face! And yet, the amazing thing is . . . . God still loves us UNCONDITIONALLY!! (Just like we love our kids – even though we know they are not perfect! J ) And if we let Him, He is able to take our imperfections and refine us into something beautiful! Not just for Him to look at – but for others to see and to draw them to Him!

That’s all I want to be. A beautiful conduit for the Lord and His glory, power and love!

That’s it! That’s me! :)