I just wanted to share a private conversation I had with God back on Dec. 26th, 2009. It's an honest picture of how I was feeling that day - hiding nothing. The reason I am willing to share it with you today is because it was encouraging me even more today - and I thought that it might encourage you! I hope so! None of us are perfect - but God is - and I'm thankful that He will take all of me - and give me all of Him in return! :)
Take a refreshing sip today!
L – Happy Birthday Jesus (a day late)!! Ok . . . so I know it probably wasn’t the exact date. :) But I love celebrating your birthday. I just wish it wasn’t filled with so much busyness and stress as well. Of course – all birthdays do that to me – when I am planning a big celebration. It always turns out nice – but it stresses me out through it all. :( I hate that.
I am glad to finally be here at the beach house in NC – though I’m a bit overwhelmed with all the people, commotion, and stuff. I just want to get away – by myself – with you. I have felt trapped at home with kids, etc. for 3 months this fall (sick kids, and then a sick hubby – gallbladder surgery). I feel wiped out most of the time. I just want to sleep – but can’t really. I tried this afternoon – but couldn’t really sleep with the noises in the house (18 people!). Anyways . . . I won’t complain anymore. . . I know you like to hear my heart though.
I need you. That’s my heart. I NEED YOU!!! I don’t feel like myself lately. I’ve felt depressed – though I don’t have much to be depressed about. I don’t know if it’s just that my body is worn out from all I’ve been doing/taking care of . . . or if it’s from not getting to spend time with you like I would like.
I went to a friend's church a couple weeks ago. It was a blessing. 2 ladies after church prayed for me – and said some interesting things. One thing was such a confirmation of what you had just said to me recently – about having to let go of something. She used the word “abandonment” – that I would have to abandon something. But that it was “soooo good!” (she said with smiles) With you confirming that so soon – it makes me wonder if you will ask me to let go of something pretty soon. ?? I guess time will tell. Don’t let me miss it. :)
The other thing that was interesting was when they said that I would “find my rest in continuing to go forward” – that as I kept stepping forward, I would find my rest. That I didn’t “miss it” or mess things up this fall (as I had wanted to spend hours and hours in your word, with you, writing the book, etc – but instead have felt like I’ve just been taking care of sick kids, doing household chores – shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc). I feel so tired though – to keep going forward – to keep doing this. Something is just not right – something is “off” – and I don’t know what it is. :( I hate it. My husband senses it too. He keeps asking me “what’s wrong with you Lori?” And I don’t have any answers to give him. I don’t know. ?? I can only make guesses. So –I’ll ask you . . . what’s wrong with me?? Will you tell me? Why do I feel so depressed lately? Why do I feel so short-tempered, critical, etc? Is it just an attack? Are you working something out in me? Am I not eating right? Enough exercise? Too much? What?? I need you – and I need you to help me. I need you today. I especially don’t feel good today – kind of sick (sore throat, headache, sinus stuff, low fever,etc.). I don’t want to feel sick. I rebuke it!!!
So God . . . what do you want to say to me today? Come and be with me right now . . come sit and talk with me – comfort me – heal me – show me – guide me – love me. :) I’m here . . . wanting to be with you. I need you – so much. I can’t make it in life without you!
G – Hi Lori. :) You know I’ve always been here.
L – I know.
G – I never left. I’ve been walking with you every step.
L – I know. I know it in my head –and at times I could feel you near . . . I just am not feeling like the same woman I was a couple months ago – on fire, full of joy, passion, life, energy, etc.
G – I know. What happened?
L – That’s what I’m asking you! :)
G - :) I know. I’m teasing. I have watched it all Lori. I have seen it all. I have heard all your cries, your tears, your anger and frustrations. There ARE things that I want to work out of you. I do want you to see the need for more of me in your life – for more of my power, my transforming power and love. You cannot give away what you do not have. You need more. You need a lot more. And I want to give it to you. Do you want it?
L – of course . . yes.
G – But it comes with a price . . .
L – what kind of price.
G – A big one.
L – what?
G – all of you. You give me all of you – and I will give you all of me. Does it sound like a fair trade?
L – no. :) From YOUR perspective. :) You get all of me – my limitedness – and I get all of you – your unlimitedness – eternal – infinity . . . .
G – sound fair?
L - :) I’ll take it.
G – Good!
L – But what more do you need of me that you do not already have? I feel like I am always trying to give you more and more . . . all . . .of me. What haven’t I given over? What do you still want? It’s yours!
G - :) I’m glad you say that. I’ll take it! There is more though. You have areas of your heart that you have guarded. You have kept your hands over those sensitive areas to protect them. You haven’t trusted anyone with them – not even yourself, your husband, or even me. I want those areas Lori. I want all of them. Every speck, every part, every hurt, every thought, every memory . . . I want it all. You CAN trust me with them.
L – what areas are you talking about? See – I don’t even really know (I have felt so foggy-headed lately anyways – I’m not surprised). What areas? I want to give them to you. . . .
G – Close your eyes and watch what I show you.
L – Ok. . . . . I see you prying my hands away from my heart some – gently. You are pulling something out of the top of my heart. It looks like a dandelion seed – like when the seeds are ready to blow off the top – light and airy. But the whole stem is like a seed too. ?? what does that mean?
G – See how easy it will be? Just open your hands and let me take it out and blow it away. It’s dead – ready to be released into the wind. When it is – then it will spread far and wide –and cause new plantings – new growth – in places you haven’t even gone – places you haven’t even traveled to. My wind will carry it instead. All you have to do is let me take it out of you and blow it away. Are you ready?
L – but what is it? And if it’s something bad – why would you want to cause growth somewhere else with it?
G – it was bad when it was alive – but it’s dead now.
L – but, if it was bad when it was “alive” – wouldn’t it cause new bad things to grow?
G – no – not this seed. Watch.
L – I see it blowing away – in the wind – high and far . . . for quite awhile. I’m not sure where you are taking it or where it will land. But it’s floating – easily – gently – no struggles. It lands in a very green
grassy area – someone’s lawn. Someone who prides themselves in having a perfect lawn. This seed lands and digs into the ground and starts to germinate – to grow. It’s not detected at first . . . not until the seed had taken root and the plant has grown. There a flower to show that it’s there. It is “announcing” it’s there. “look at me” it says. “Look at me – I don’t belong here! Look at me!”. The owner of the house (someone rich – well to do – someone who doesn’t normally manage his yard –but has others to do it) – he comes out and sees this dandelion. It’s not supposed to be there. How did it get there? Where did it come from? He would call his lawn guy – but instead, he decides to go pick the dandelion himself. There is something about this weed –something about this flower that draws his attention. It’s different. He’s not used to seeing it. Maybe he hasn’t ever seen one. Maybe he doesn’t know what it is? ?? He is curious – so he goes to pick it out of his perfect yard. He picks it up and inspects it. “What is this?” he thinks. He decides to take it to an expert – to get their opinion. What is it? The expert doesn’t know. He’s never seen anything like it before. It’s pink!
Dandelions are supposed to be yellow. This one is pink! Why? Is it really a dandelion? This has caused so much interest, that the lawn owner, and the expert both start doing research, asking around – trying to figure out where this pink dandelion came from. They just HAVE to know! It’s so unique – so different – so . . . pretty even. But it just makes them curious at all costs.
They finally figure out the direction of the wind – estimate the distance it could have traveled. They start traveling the way they think it came from. They start to see more pink dandelions along the way. They ask around –where did those come from? People don’t know – but many don’t care. . . many didn’t even notice. There were so many weeds in their yards already – that they didn’t even notice. So the men continue – they find more and more – until they come to a yard that is FULL of pink dandelions. The whole yard! This must be it. This must be the source. They go to the house – to find out from the owner, where these came from? How did they get to be pink? What happened? And why did they let their yard become full of them? Weren’t they a weed??
The owner opens the door. It’s me. (?? Really??) I tell them. . . . these were planted by my Father. It was the red blood of Jesus that stained the dandelions pink. It covered all the yellow – all that symbolized “bad” (the weed) –and turned what was weeds, into beautiful pink flowers! The pink flowers were not bad. They were good. They still had a way of multiplying – and taking over a yard – of going far and wide and affecting others. But this wasn’t a bad thing. It was good. Beautiful. It was God’s design! It was His design to begin with! Light and airy – the good seed would travel . . . and plant new growth. Easy. Not difficult. Easy. The hard part was letting go of what we are used to – a perfect lawn of green grass. . . . . boring . . .the same as all other lawns. And so much work – to keep it perfect. This is easy. Just let them grow – let them overtake the lawn! Easy!
The man and the “expert” are amazed. They are shocked. They didn’t think anyone would ever purposely let their yard become like this. But at the same time – they are not disgusted – they are intrigued. They want to know more. They want to test this out. They want to see what happens – what happens “if” . . . . They ask if they can take some of the dandelions back to their yards – to their neighborhoods, their cities . . . I say yes! Go ahead! Take as much as you want! More will grow in it’s place! So they do. And they go on to spread more and more of these beautiful pink flowers. What started as curses – turned into blessings. What started as sin – turned into joy – into fresh vision – into beauty.
L – God I do want you to take every part of me – not matter how ugly it had started out as – and turn it into something beautiful – something that will self-propagate in other people’s lives – that will transform them completely!! For ALL to see!! I want my life (my lawn) to be totally different – totally unique – totally visible to all I meet – that I am in love with YOU – that I am filled with you – and your love! Transform me Lord – change me! Use me!
G – Lori. I am. You are unique. You are different. All my kids are – they just don’t always show it. They try to be carbon copies of each other. It breaks my heart. I spent time thinking about each and every one of my kids – designing them – their special talents and abilities, their special looks – and then what do they do? . . . try to copy each other. It makes me sad. I want them to be unique –to be special – as I designed them to be. The only way they will ever know how unique and special they are – is to try to copy me – to look at me. I am like a mirror. When they look at me – they will see themselves – just as I designed them to be. They will see all the good I have created in them. They will see all the talents and abilities I’ve placed in them. They will see all the things I want THEM to do . . . . But they have to look at me – not at each other. At me.
Lori – you have been looking at others too much. You do look at me – but you look at others who are looking at me. I want you to look at me. I want YOU to look at me. See me. See all of me. Emulate me. Look into the mirror and let me show you YOU – who you really are – who I’ve fully created you to be. Stop looking at others and look at me! It’s in doing that – that you will fully know who you are and what you are to do . . and then you can walk proudly and boldly in who I’ve created you to be and do!! You will be proud to be YOU – to be unique – to be and do what I’ve designed you to do. Who cares if no one else is doing it? Who cares if no one else thinks a yard full of pink dandelions is beautiful! Who cares? I’m the only one who should care – and my thoughts and opinions are the only ones you should care about. The others don’t matter. So look at me – listen to me – read my word – spend time with me . . . and ignore all the other stuff. It won’t tell you who you are – and it won’t tell you your worth. Only I can tell you your worth! And to me – you are worth millions!! Billions!! More than you can imagine! :)
L - :) I’m so glad! To me – YOU are worth EVERYTHING!! I can’t imagine living life without you! I can’t live life without you! I do want to know who I am – to know who you are – to be able to be fully free to be me – to be me with my family – with my friends – with my neighbors, etc. I want to be fully free. I want more freedom. I thought I was doing pretty good – feeling so much more free. But I guess there’s more. :) That’s good. I want more! I want to be rid of all my petty frustrations – my short-tempers at times, my selfishness, my criticalness, etc. I want to be rid of it all. Does it ever go away completely? . . . here on earth? :) I don’t want it anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Heal me. Cleanse me. Transform me. Use me. Renew me. Change me. I’m sorry. Thank you for forgiving and loving me completely!! You are awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!
Jeremiah 6:16 – “This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”
“ancient paths” – the tried and true ways of Judah’s godly ancestors.
Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Isaiah 28:12 - . . . “This is the resting place, let the weary rest”; and “this is the place of repose” . . .
Exodus 14:13&14 - “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (however, in the next sentence, the Lord said “why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.” (Moses then raised his staff and the red sea was parted!)
Lord. . . .I want your rest – your resting place. I want to dwell there. I want you to fight for me. I am willing to “walk in” the good way, the ancient paths – and I want the rest you promised!!! Thank you Lord for your rest – for your peace – for your joy! Thank you for fighting the fight for me! All the time! Everywhere! Thank you for loving me soooooo much! You are awesome!!! :)